Dr. Joelle McGovern is an expert on child anxiety and on clinicial staff at The Child & Adolescent OCD, Tic, Trich & Anxiety Group (The COTTAGe) at The University of Pennsylvania.

Dr. Joelle McGovern generously shared invaluable information on child anxiety, including things like:

- Normal versus problematic childhood fears, phobias, and worries
- Key cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) principles that reduce anxiety
- The most important things you can do to help your child become less nervous

Listen to 52 minute the audio here:

If you have questions please post them as comments and Dr. McGovern or I will be sure to answer them.

The audio download will go to all of those registered for Confident Cub e-magazine. If you’d like the audio you can register now, the audios go out tomorrow.

And as parents it’s nice to think of our kids being grateful for us too!

There are several components to gratitude:

1) Recognizing the positive.

It can be easy to recognize the big things. A child is grateful for a new bike. A mom is grateful that her child has a healthy well-visit at the doctor’s. These are important but they may not occur every day.

One key component to gratitude is recognize the little daily things. Some of these may be the comforts that we take for granted, like heat or air conditioning in our homes, fresh water to drink, and good food on the table.

2) Letting go of the negative.

Sometimes we seek to experience gratitude but end up focusing on the negative. A child may say, “I’m thankful for my Play Station but I wish I was allowed to play it as much as my friends,” or “I’m happy we have good food but I don’t like spinach!”

A key to gratitude is letting go of the “buts.” The rule may be “Just give thanks for what you do have (forget about what you don’t).”

3) Creating a gratitude practice.

Most of us can say what we’re thankful for if someone asks us to stop and think about it. The problem is that we typically don’t stop to think about it. Because of the law of inertia we tend to keep doing what we’re doing and resist stopping to add something else in– until that practice becomes a habit.

Here are some ways that you can help your child build in a weekly or daily gratitude practice:

* Each day at dinner everyone says something they are thankful for.

* Create a gratitude board. Write down what you and your child appreciate on fun colored and shaped pieces of paper and tack up on the board.

* Begin a gratitude journal. Buy your child a beautiful notebook, journal or drawing pad, something special  that they enjoy looking at. Also get some special pens or pencils. Help your child write what they are thankful for each day or at a specific time each week such as Sunday nights.

*Encourage your child to express apprecation. This goes a step beyond saying thank you because it helps children really think about what they are thankful for. For example, a 4 or 5 year-old might say, “Thank you for dinner.” An older child may say, “Thank you for taking the time to make the delicious meal.”

* Model gratitude for your child. Let him or her know how much you appreciate time you spend together and other things.

And some things that may be done less frequently:

* Encourage your child to write letters of appreciation to important people in their lives– teachers, grandparents, etc.

* Create an annual (or monthly) giving day. Your child can focus on what she is thankful for, such as her toys, and choose some toys that she doesn’t play with anymore to give to someone who is not fortunate to have such toys.

* Make a gratitude collage. Go through magazines, photos, and Google images to find images of things that your child loves and is thankful for. Your son may choose photos of his family, pictures of ice cream and pizza (his favorite foods), a beach, a playground, and so on.

Any other ideas for cultivating gratitude in children?

Procrastination is a habit that millions of adults and children struggle with. It takes a devastating toll on the quality of our lives because we spend so long putting things off and preparing to start things that we don’t get things done.

Procrastination in children is particularly devastating because kids  have so many commitments (with hours of homework, etc.) that we want to be sure they have downtime to enjoy life and just be a kid.

While children may seem to be procrastinating so they can do more enjoyable activities like playing outside, procrastination time is rarely enjoyable. Kids have homework hanging over their head. They have us parents bugging them to get started. I like to say, “Just get it done so you can really have fun.”

When, however, children learn early on to break the procrastination habit, they create richer lives filled with accomplishment, pride, and time for relaxation and enjoyment.

I recently interviewed Rita Emmett author of The Procrastinating Child

In under 15 minutes she shares insight and tips including her 5-step STING formula to help you help your kids stop procrastinating now. Here’s the audio recording

Enjoy the interview!

(Subscribers to our Confident Cub monthly e-mag receive MP3 downloads of all recordings. If you’d like this feature to download audios you can subscribe here- it’s free: http://www.confidentcub.com/emag)

About the Expert

Rita Emmett is a “Recovering Procrastinator,” professional speaker, and author of three award-winning, best selling books:
• The Procrastinator’s Handbook
• The Procrastinating Child: A Handbook for Adults to Help Children Stop Putting Things Off
• The Clutter-Busting Handbook

She has done over 300 interviews (her interview with Katie Couric shown here). Rita’s web site (cleverly named www.RitaEmmett.com) provides help for procrastination, clutter and stress in the form of books, CDs, DVDs, and on-line courses plus a free Tip Sheet that offers short, quick help with these topics.

So, how do we go about building confidence in our children?

Many of us do is begin to lavish on praise. While praise is great this is not necessarily the best approach.

While giving praise is certainly important and MUCH better than not giving attention or being critical or negative, some types of praise increase confidence while others decrease confidence.

Here are the characteristics of praise that builds confidence:

1) It is sincere. What makes praise sincere? The delivery. You stop what you’re doing and look at the child. Smile. If you can’t take the time to attend to the child, they’ll figure you don’t really care. Teenagers have a particularly sensitive B.S. meter, so the sincerity is very important. Showing your genuine emotion contributes to the sincerity of the feedback.

2) It is specific. Saying “great job,” is not as powerful as saying exactly what you’re pleased with—keep the next point in mind when you do this…

3) It focuses on effort. When you praise effort people feel like they can reproduce the positive experience in the future, all they need to do is put the effort in. When you praise ability (“you’re so smart,”) people feel like they have to prove themselves and live up to that label which creates anxiety.

4) It is sporadic. This is another counterintuitive point. Research shows that variable reinforcement is more powerful than reinforcing a behavior every time. If you say it every time it loses its power and doesn’t get attended to as much.

5) It is sometimes “constructive,” but more often it is pure praise. Don’t feel that you can never give someone negative feedback for fear of damaging their self-esteem. Constructive feedback is important. If you’ve played a sport you know that the coach typically gives more attention (often in the form of criticism) to the top players. Keep the ratio of positive to negative around 4:1.

6) It doesn’t “sandwich” or use techniques. I don’t recommend using the sandwich technique of praise, criticism, praise. When you do this, kids learn to hear the “but…” piece and dismiss the praise. Over time they’ll tune out the positive and wait for the negative. Instead deliver each piece of feedback separately using the 4:1 ratio discussed above.

7) It encourages learning. Praise that encourages growth, even mistakes and failures, opens children up to take risks and try new things. They figure that you must really believe in their ability to do it (or, more importantly, to handle it if it doesn’t go well) which boosts self confidence.

Experiment with these ideas and see if praise starts to feel different to both you and the child.

 Anything else you’ve found about what works well for praising children and teenagers and what doesn’t?

Regardless of the cause here are 7 tips to help your child boost his or her positive energy all year long. The key is consistency. Doing these things regularly leads to feeling the cumulative effects.

1. Plan important activities when your child has the most energy.

When possible plan your child’s schedule around her energy level. Track her natural energy cycles for a week and observe when energy peaks and plummets. Do homework and other challenging things when energy is highest. Choose activities and projects that are naturally energy producing at the low points in the day. If your child drags in the morning, plan one of her more enjoyable activities first thing on the weekends, or allow a few minutes to do an enjoyable thing on the weekdays. It may take some time to transition your schedules but it will be worth it!

2.  Boost your child’s energy by increasing  activity level.

Ironically expending energy begets more energy. The more we are couch potatoes the less energy we will have. Be sure that your child is getting regular cardiovascular exercise. You may also plan exercise to boost energy before energy-draining activities. For example, take a brisk walk around the neighborhood before beginning homework.

3. Know your child’s personality style.

Our personality determines what is energy draining or producing for us. If you’re naturally an introvert you typically recharge by quiet time on your own. If you’re naturally an extrovert, you typically gain energy by social time with others. Understand how your child’s personality determines his need’s for replinishing energy. If he is introverted plan alone time between social activities. If he is more extroverted plan interactive activities to help him re-energize after a tiring day.

4. Be sure that your child is getting enough protein and complex carbs .

This is one of those tips that you already know but, nutrition is so crucial for energy I need to include it. A diet rich in complex carbohydrates, protein, and fiber will help your child sustain energy and avoid the sugar roller coaster that we get when we eat sugary snacks or all simple carbohydrates.

5. Help your child keep the big picture in mind.

It’s easy to get caught up in the moment of stressful situations and feel exhausted. If, however, we remember the big picture including why we’re motivated to achieve a goal or why the small stuff isn’t that important, we’ll feel energized. Ask your child questions to keep an eye on the big picture like, “I know going to swim practice now when you’re tired is tough. Why do you think it’s important to practice regularly?”

6. Be sure your child is drinking enough water.

One of the most common causes of fatigue is dehydration. We often mistakenly assume that we’re hungry but the fatigue culprit is often thirst. If your child doesn’t like drinking water she can also get a good amount of water through foods like fresh fruits and vegetables and foods that absorb liquids like oatmeal. With other drinks be cautious of sugary drinks (yes, even fresh organic fruit juices have a lot of sugar) and try to avoid anything with caffeine to avoid energy peaks and plummets.

7. Celebrate and reward achievements.

One of the biggest boosts to your child’s energy is making you proud. Verbally recognize your child’s efforts, especially when he has done something challenging. Do not make your recognition contingent on the results, rather focus on the effort that he displayed. He will learn to similarly put forth effort into challenging things in the future and will face those things with greater energy and optimism.

8. Encourage physical and mental breaks.

Monotony is exhausting. Plan breaks with a few moments of mindless activity and quick stretching exercises, playing, or walking. Most children can concentrate for about 30-45 minutes before taking a break, and teenagers and adults can focus for about 45-60 minutes. Do not expect your child to sit still and focus for hours on end. The breaks boost both energy and performance.

Any other tips you’ve found on helping your child boost positive energy? Please share them here…

“Are you a human being or a human doing?”

As a highly driven, goal-directed person with detailed to-do lists and high expectations for myself to achieve everything on the list I was struck by this question, and forced to recognize that I had been living much more as a human doing than a human being.

I began to realize the price of this lifestyle but I was reluctant to change. Why? Because I was afraid that more being would equal less doing (and more stress because things weren’t done).

With this question in the back of my mind I began making small shifts over time, but it wasn’t until I had my first child and was on maternity leave that it began to sink in. Lying on the floor with the baby I realized, “This is it. This is being.” And it wasn’t just my being (being still, not doing a million things, being exhausted), it was the baby. He was completely focused on being. That it was he was there to do, he didn’t know any differently.

Now that he is older I can see how children lose this sense of being and start to focus on doing– and the dramatic effect this can have on a child’s self-esteem.

Having researched this question of being and the potential negative effects of focusing on labels (“You’re a great artist) and outcome (“You did great because you got an A) and being greatly influenced by the work of Dr. Carol Dweck, I frequently catch myself reinforcing the doing…”You’re so great at doing puzzles!” “You shot 3 baskets in a row!” “You’re great at hockey,” rather than the being, “You’re really enjoying the puzzle.” “You’re challenging yourself with making those shots…”

And I try to shift towards the being observations– focused on the process, the growth, and the moment rather than the outcome.

We don’t need to swing the pendulum in the opposite direction and neglect goals, outcomes, and expectations (Don’t worry, it’s okay if you need to check your messages from time to time) but keep in mind how neglecting the being can come at a high cost…one that most of us parents is well aware of…Going through life with a checklist in our minds and feeling like we are constantly falling short (or living in fear of falling short) when we can’t check everything off.

Want to shift to raising a human being?

I believe the path to influencing others is almost always to start with ourselves. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Shift towards being each day. Be in a line at the grocery store without checking your phone, be in the moment of pure spontaneous play with your child and see where she goes with it, be with your inner child and see where she or he takes you… Children have this ability to be and unlearn it as they get older. Like so many things we have a lot to learn from our kids.

If you’re like me this will all take some effort and will feel quite uncomfortable at first. The being doesn’t come naturally. But it will come.

Have you similarly struggled with just being?  What are some ways that you’ve been able to do it?  Do you agree that there is an advantage to living as a human being rather than a human doing?

When a child finds it difficult to fall asleep he or she may dislike bedtime, develop fears and avoidance, and miss out on valuable sleep. Without a good night sleep children are more likely to experience difficulties paying attention in school, managing their emotions, and handling daily stresses.  At an extreme difficulties falling asleep can lead to childhood insomnia.

When, however, kids sleep well and are able to sleep independently they wake up in the morning with all of their resources intact, ready to face the day. They feel confident that they can do it, and they start to enjoy the winding down process of bedtime.

Because sleep is so important for kids and evening downtime is so important for parents every moment of sleep is precious. Here are 7 things not to do because they can interfere with sleep and create child sleep problems…

1) Don’t use electronics right before sleep. Many children like to fall asleep to television, but television can actually interfere with the ability to fall asleep and to sleep soundly. Research shows that even the light from a bright alarm clock can be enough to keep us from falling asleep (face clocks away from the bed). And some electronics like computers and video games are mentally stimulating which keeps the brain from winding down.

2) Don’t eat or drink caffeine within 5 hours of bedtime. We all know that it is not good to have sugar or caffeine before bed, but did you know that it is important to stop caffeine consumption 5-10 hours before bed. Of course it may be a good idea to limit children’s caffeine intake for health reasons and to reduce anxiety or agitation. Look for hidden sources of caffeine like coffee ice cream and cappuccino yogurt. 

3) Don’t exercise within 2 hours of bedtime. Cardiovascular exercise can help children sleep well, but if it is too close to bedtime it can interfere with sleep. If your child experiences significant sleep difficulties consider limiting sports teams that require night practices or games. Light stretching and yoga-type activities before bed are no problem and can help the body to relax and promote sleep.

4) Don’t skip a winding down routine. Sometimes it gets late or our kids seem very tired so we’re tempted to put them right to bed without a book or other part of their bedtime routine. While it may seem like this will be helpful it often backfires because the child has not experienced the wind-down benefits of his or her bedtime routine.  

5) Don’t take a warm bath or shower within 1 hour of bedtime. Contrary to popular belief a warm bath can delay sleep. The reason is that we become sleepy as our body temperatures dip down. A warm bath raises body temperature and can delay the onset of sleepiness. When possible do warm baths an hour or two before bedtime.

6) Don’t play in bed for a while before bedtime. We want to teach our child’s brain and body to associate bed with sleep. The more they are in bed awake doing things other than sleep the less strong this association will be. Bring your child into bed for stories or other wind-down activities, but do not have them play in the bed for hours before bedtime. Encourage your teenager to not lie in bed and watch television or text before going to sleep.

7) Don’t wait to worry at bedtime. Often the worries and stresses from the day catch up to us at bedtime when our brain finally gets a break. Rather than waiting for the worries to strike at bedtime get ahead of them by spending some time with discussing worries with your child a few hours before bed. Simply writing down all the worries in our minds can be enough to gain perspective over them and take away their power. Select a few of the worries that may require problem solving with your child. For example if your daughter worries that she will forget to bring her homework to school the next day you can review that she has completed it and placed it in her backpack.

Another major culprit of night time child sleep problems is fears and phobias. We will definitely cover child night fears in future posts- stay tuned!

You’ve probably heard about the concept of parent child attachment. Maybe you remember the videos of the rhesus monkeys attaching to the cloth monkey from psychology 101.

Regardless of what you know about child attachment, you may be curious if there is more that you can do to promote secure attachment, and may be interested in learning how to best comfort and communicate with your child.

To answer some of these questions I contacted a colleague,  clinical psychologist and family therapist Dr. Richard Stern,  to share some of his thoughts and experiences on parent child attachment.

In this 25-minute audio Dr. Stern discusses topics including:

• What parent-child attachment is and how it develops 
• How to tell if a child shows secure attachment
• Times of day that are primed for attachment bonding
• How to communicate to promote attachment with young children
• How to communicate to promote attachment with teenagers
• And much more

Enjoy the audio!

If you’d like a downloadable version of the interview subscribe to the Confident Cub monthly e-mag (it’s free!) and you’ll get all the downloads from the previous month plus an immediate download of the report The Surprising Way to Build Your Child’s Confidence, and of course the Confident Cub e-magazine each month.

About the Expert

Dr. Richard Stern is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Mount Airy and Bryn Mawr, PA. Specializing in attachment-based approaches, he has over 25 years of experience helping children, young adults, and families develop self-confidence, trust, cooperation, and genuine closeness in place of defiance, aggression, sadness, clinging, and worry.  You can reach him at 215 888 7785, with more information at RichardSternPhD.com

The first step is to understand what emotional intelligence is…

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Over the past couple of decades of research on emotional intellgence (EI) has been found to be one of the most important factors in determining:

• Quality of and satisfaction in relationships
• Level of achievement in school and work
• Emotional well-being and happiness
• And many other factors

Essentially emotional intelligence is the ability to accurately recognize and understand your emotions, to motivate yourself, to manage emotions, and to use emotions to guide thinking and enhance relationships and performance.

A few years ago I completed certification in the Emotional Competence Inventory, a test of emotional intelligence developed by the Hay Group. The EI competencies cluster into 4 categories:

1) Self Awareness

2) Self Management

3) Social Awareness

4) Relationship Management

Numbers 3 and 4 above can be thought of as “Social Intelligence”

Self Awareness or Emotional Awareness: The Foundation for EI

We will discuss all 4 components above in different posts here on Confident Cub, but for today let’s start with the first one, the essential building block for everything else: Self Awareness or Emotional Awareness.

This quality entails the ability to have insight into your emotions, understand your emotions and triggers and the implications of your emotions, be aware of strengths and limitations, solicit and be open to feedback, have a sense of humor about yourself, and be confident in yourself.

Here are some ways to help your child develop the self-awareness component of child emotional intelligence:

1) Help him to recognize his emotions by asking questions like, “What were you thinking when you heard that?” or “What are you feeling now?”

2) Label feelings for your child. If he is not able to say how he feels provide some options, such as, “Do you feel sad or mad or frustrated?” or “I think I would feel mad if that happened.”

3) Model recognizing emotions by pointing them out in yourself, “When you said that you didn’t want me to play with you I felt sad because I really enjoying playing with you.”

4) Work on your communication skills for delivering feedback in the way that helps your child remain open and not shut down (We will provide lots of tips on those skills here on Confident Cub.com)

5) Have a sense of humor and playfulness about emotions. “Sometimes the worry monster takes over and is silly!” (Act out a silly worry monster or do a puppet show.)

6) Encourage confident presence by requesting your child look at people when they speak to them and speak loudly enough for people to hear her.

Stay posted for more tips on improving your own EI and raising an emotionally intelligent child!

1. Plan in Your Head. Take a 1-minute break to think about something enjoyable you’ll do later that day or that weekend.

2. Imagine Relaxation. Close your eyes for 30 seconds (or keep them open if you’re at school) and picture a scene from one of your most relaxing moments—a trip to the beach, playing on the playground, etc.

3. Quick Muscle-Relaxation: Clench your hands into a tight fist and hold for 5 seconds. As you relax your hands, notice the tension melting away.

4. Give a Compliment. Giving feels good, and giving compliments feels great for everyone and is free!

5. Play Tension Away. Take five minutes for crazy silly play—Play a fun song, run around, act goofy, dance…If you’re at schoolplay part of your favorite song in your head for 1 minute and then refocus on your lesson.

6. Ask for Help. Ask someone for help and notice how happy they are to help and how much easier a task gets done.

7. Keep a Happy Photo Handy. Paste a photo or picture from a magazine in your notebook or homework planner and glance at it for a quick smile and stress-reliever.

8. Smell something lavender. Have lavender hand cream in your backpack or somewhere in your house and take a quick smell—lavender is naturally soothing. If lavender doesn’t work vanilla scents can boost happiness.

9. Think thankful. Think of three things that you’re thankful for—they can be anything from ice cream to your fish to your mom.

10. Give a little smile. Doing a half-smile (just turning up the sides of your mouth a little) can brighten your mood. It’s hard to be sad or stressed out if we’re smiling.

When you get mentally or physically out of a stressful moment, you have time to regroup and handle it better. If there’s a real problem to address, these strategies can help you get into a better mental place to do so.

Go over these strategies with your child and have him or her select a couple to try out. You’ll see, sometimes the little things make a big difference.